Pet Loss and a pretty long post

It should be no surprise, I am a huge animal lover. I feed homeless animals when I can, cry when I see they are abused, cry when they have happy endings, and cry when my own get sick. Just a few weeks ago, I was bursting with happiness because I was blessed with two little surprises. A pup for my anniversary and a baby kitten I found in my shed. This week before this one was normal. Tuesday, I got up and started my first day of training. I was excited. I let China out to go potty and let her back in to come hang out with mom during work. That day was normal. She played, she ate. She also threw up. Dogs do that. They puke, nothing new. She only did it once, I wasn't too worried. She continued to act normal. Wednesday, she was fine. No throwing up, playing like normal. She was fine... Thursday, I woke up to a huge mess outside her cage. It looked like blood, I panicked. I called and got her a vet appointment immediately. I was worried she had parvo. Almost over night, my baby stopped playing, wouldn't move, wouldn't eat or drink. I had to work so the best I could do for her is keep talking to her, letting her know she would be okay. More vomit, with added runny stool...with blood. I was so afraid. As soon I was off, I gathered her up and rushed her to the vet. They ran their test and told me "No parvo, JUST hookworms." (hookworms suck the blood out of it's victim's body through the lower intestines) Initially, all I felt was relief. Ok, we get some dewormer and get some fluids in her, she will be fine. I caught this early. Then I got pissed, the lady I got her from told me she had been wormed and had her first shots. All I needed to do was follow up on the 28. No problem, I don't care any more ad long as she will be ok. That vet visit cost me 300 dollars. Luckily I have care credit just for emergencies. Anyway, so we bring China home, give her medicine, love her, talk to her, and let her rest. Danny goes out to hang out with his dad, cool no problem. I stay up a little longer, give her the second round of medicine, more fluids, more love. You can see it in her eyes, she is not doing well. I'm begging her, "Just make it through the night baby, you will be ok. Stay with mommy." She just looks at me with those big brown puppy eyes. I stay with her, just a little longer. "Okay, mommy is gonna go shower and get ready for bed, I'll come check on you again. I love you." I go shower. Once I'm out, one last time I go check on her, she is sleep...still alive, just sleep. No vomit, so the medicine is still in her. To me that's a good sign. I pet her little head and tell her "good night. I'll see you in the morning"

4:00am Danny comes home, I'm sleep. He is slightly intoxicated. He comes in the room, I'm a light sleeper so I wake up. His face....I just knew. I throw pants on and run in the living room where I have a little area gated off for her. She is gone. All the life she had just days before isn't there any more. I'm not sure when she passed, but I wasn't there. She had to face death all alone, and I hate myself for it. She was MY baby. She was MY responsibility. How could I listen to some lady who I didn't even know and put MY child's life on the line. She wasn't even 6 months old. She had so much more life to live.

It's hard...she passed on the 16th...alone. I tell myself, "she knew you loved her" but what does that matter? She had to suffer a lonely death and I can never change that. I can't give her the comfort of dying in my arms. She never got to feel my tears, I didn't get to beg her long enough. Maybe, if I would have been there, she would fought harder.
I know a lot of people won't understand why I feel the way I feel and that's okay. Part of my blogging journey is to learn how to do things for myself...and this post is for me. Everyday I wake up with a pain in my heart. She left this void...this big empty void. I have to walk around my house and act like I'm happy when I'm not. I miss her. The few weeks she was with me...they were happy and carefree and some what irritating (she tore my bag of leaves and destroyed my lemon grass lol). And any dog owner knows that having a dog, is having a best friend from day one...and she was, she was my best friend.

Dear China, please don't be upset with me, know that I loved you and I tried to save you. I wish I could have tried harder, I wish I would have stayed up with you instead of going to sleep for work. I know, up there in doggy heaven, you are watching over Lucky Cat and willing him to grow up big and healthy.
I will always remember you and love you...my little Mighty Mutt. </3